Onto the weekend

I am sitting here drinking a glass of wine watching Eat Pray Love again.  Right now in my life if there was no Adam I so would go on an adventure like this as my marriage completely fails.  So my internal question is what kind of adventure and life lessons can I do with Peanut.  Life is going to change drastically from here on out.  Aaron and I have been together for almost 8 years, since we were kids really and married for almost 6 and now we will venture off on our own.  I will still have to be responsible for taking care of Adam, making sure his health is number one as well as everything around me while the other gets to walk or move away.  I have gone into much regarding the failure of things here and I am definitely not innocent in this.  Things have been bad for 3 years and I honestly poured everything I had into this only to then run dry.  I am no longer accepting, trusting, happy, relaxed and welcoming in most aspects of my life and especially to the now ex.  That is a big part of my role and I will have to bear the burden and learn to move on and up from here.  It will be a long time before this ice heart of mine melts and that my walls come down because the only thing I can count on for sure is myself.  With all that has happened my eyes and heart have opened even more to family.  They are truly so important and show so much love.  It is nice to talk to my brother almost every day, see pictures of my niece, talk with my step mom, soon visit with my Dad and still be a part of my in laws life.  2012 is a year of change and reconnecting with what is important to me and family.  Adam needs extra love with everything that he has to go through, when I look at him I see so much light and hope with darkness and fear in the background because his little body is already tested so much.  I will always love Adam, he has always been welcome in my life and will be treasured until the day that him and I can no longer walk this earth together.  Today brought heart ache when you said you never wanted him... you won't spend time with him because you don't care and yet you won't move from this house until YOU are set up with a another new job.... Right now this isn't about us, it is about that precious boy that didn't ask to be born but certainly deserves love.  I will continue to love him with my heart, guide him the best I can and keep my head up through this journey.  We can only go up from here even if this road has a lot of pot holes to deal with first

Times are changing

It is Valentines Day and after spending the evening with my boy I am sitting here alone.  There has been a lot of joy and pain in the past few days that it is amazing that I can continue to hold my head up.  Adam and I were on the news to promote a fantastic event for Children't Wish and then we were apart of the fundraiser as well.  His amazing team Royal Park Realty included us in all the events they could and we had a truly wonderful time.  My heart feels so good seeing people do such amazing things to help a child they have never met.  Our tribe did a great job, raised a ton of money and we are able to have Adam's wish happen this year! The dinner was nice, the entire event was life changing.  That night changed a lot between Aaron and I though.  It was really hard but this weekend we know that we can not stay together.  We are separating as it is not healthy for us to stay together.  The things that have happened are crazy and usually not all of them happen in a marriage, even one of the insane things tends to make a marriage crumble.  It has been 3 years of me pouring my heart and soul into my marriage to have it all taken away and thus things have failed. It is a scary thing to go through as we have been together for almost 8 years going on 6 married. We have a beautiful child  who has major health issue, appointments, medications and needs constant care though is a hyper active turkey too.  I haven't dated in like 8 years and am now in my 30's.... there is a lot to take in and try and deal with and yet I can still go with my head held high.