Onto the weekend

I am sitting here drinking a glass of wine watching Eat Pray Love again.  Right now in my life if there was no Adam I so would go on an adventure like this as my marriage completely fails.  So my internal question is what kind of adventure and life lessons can I do with Peanut.  Life is going to change drastically from here on out.  Aaron and I have been together for almost 8 years, since we were kids really and married for almost 6 and now we will venture off on our own.  I will still have to be responsible for taking care of Adam, making sure his health is number one as well as everything around me while the other gets to walk or move away.  I have gone into much regarding the failure of things here and I am definitely not innocent in this.  Things have been bad for 3 years and I honestly poured everything I had into this only to then run dry.  I am no longer accepting, trusting, happy, relaxed and welcoming in most aspects of my life and especially to the now ex.  That is a big part of my role and I will have to bear the burden and learn to move on and up from here.  It will be a long time before this ice heart of mine melts and that my walls come down because the only thing I can count on for sure is myself.  With all that has happened my eyes and heart have opened even more to family.  They are truly so important and show so much love.  It is nice to talk to my brother almost every day, see pictures of my niece, talk with my step mom, soon visit with my Dad and still be a part of my in laws life.  2012 is a year of change and reconnecting with what is important to me and family.  Adam needs extra love with everything that he has to go through, when I look at him I see so much light and hope with darkness and fear in the background because his little body is already tested so much.  I will always love Adam, he has always been welcome in my life and will be treasured until the day that him and I can no longer walk this earth together.  Today brought heart ache when you said you never wanted him... you won't spend time with him because you don't care and yet you won't move from this house until YOU are set up with a another new job.... Right now this isn't about us, it is about that precious boy that didn't ask to be born but certainly deserves love.  I will continue to love him with my heart, guide him the best I can and keep my head up through this journey.  We can only go up from here even if this road has a lot of pot holes to deal with first