Welcome to PeanutReitor

Welcome to PeanutReitor

The Rollercoaster

We are now in waiting as Adam surgery has been bumped from the 22nd of February until March 16th.  It means another month of not being able to fully relax knowing that it is still coming so soon.  Our baby is still going to be put under, still going to have his chest cracked open, heart stopped and worked on.  Instead of the freight train ahead that we had at first mentally set ourselves up for.  Originally we had a week and a half in which we had finally got in the mindset, now we have a month so we need to slow down a bit and get everything in order for that day that will forever change our lives.  Little did we know that when we decided to have Adam we brought someone into this world that has a bigger purpose in his little life than most of us ever have in our entire lives.  All the studies he's a part of, every new medication and Dr's talked to, every surgery, procedure and even his recovery could help another family down the road, or many kids.  This will also pave the way for a child who has literally been to the brink, been through hell, come out the other end and can then choose to do great things for this world.  Adam's purpose and life on this planet could help those all around the World which is the one solice that we are keeping in our hearts.  As scary as it is for us, as awful as this is for Adam positive thoughts and knowing that there is a greater purpose will ensure that everything is ok.  Now all we need to do is wait, keep moving forward and come together and laugh as a family until that fateful day. 

Grade "A" Parenting

Soooo things have really started to pick up here and my heart and feelings haven't fully caught up with me yet.  Adam goes for his open heart surgery on February 22nd, which we found out only a couple days ago which is why it hasn't totally caught up to me yet.  Amongst all the craziness, finding out that Adam does for sure have Obstructive Sleep Apnea and will have to have surgery for that too we were asked to get his teeth checked for surgery as the teeth and the heart are interlocked.  I seriously felt so nervous over taking him to the dentist as it felt like the first major parenting report card.  As a parent of a toddler we are responsible for helping to shape their little minds, feed and water their little bodies and brush their teeth to prevent cavities.  It feels like if your child doesn't have a tooth issue and their mouth is full of cavities that you are graded as a crappy parent and get a lower grade per cavity.  I've never really cared about what people thought of my parenting as I know I'm great Mom. I spend time with my boy, we do crafts, play, puddle jump, have a date night and his great personality shows for it.  When it came to his teeth I cared because it could show a huge faulter in my parenting.  I was almost sweating I was so nervous it was a very strange feeling.  I'm sure I am far from the only parent who became veklemped over the idea of my child at the dentist and thinking oh god do not let me fail this test, I hate tests... I am so glad to say that we passed, Grade "A" all the way, we missed that "A+" due to the fact Adam has a soother still though not for long and his teeth should correct themselves.  Now to keep up the good work, keep Adam cold free for the next week and we're on to the biggest thing to happen in our entire lives.

My Dreams

At night before I fall asleep I think about what the future may hold.  I think of Adam growing up, what sports he may play, what activities he may be into and then usually it ends with me almost in tears.  I know all children't futures are so uncertain but it feels like Adam's is even more so.  Will he have equipment and medicines to keep him alive that will hinder him physically from what his heart desires? Will we have to constantly find other things that he may love?  How can we keep him feeling positive and keep enjoying life instead of feeling like life sucks, is unfair and owes him?  He is such a fantasic kid, has an amazing personality, great imagination, is really happy and so far doesn't think that he needs to be spoiled so I guess I will take it all in strides.  I just need to remember that this little man can help me build cities for Mommy Monster and Adam Monster to knock down, buildings to drive cars through, race cars, feed stuffy's, watch movies, hide and seek and do awesome crafts.  I get to be a big kid all over again, doing the craziest things, singing in stores, saying silly things and being able to do it without looking like a complete fool.  Or at least I feel like I don't look like a complete fool hahaha. I'm sitting here looking at my boy eating ice cream, watching Sponge Bob and is super happy.  It fills my heart with joy. 

A New Year

So where to start.... Life is such a roller coaster that it can be a hard ride.  Life as a working mother can be very enjoyable and tiring all in one.  The dinners, the cleaning, medications, baths, playing all squeezed into one evening sometimes makes me want to be a transformer that can turn back time for even an hour just to make it all a bit smoother, lol.  Adam is now on 3 medications which just in itself is like a full time job to think about.  Sometimes even my hair hurts because my poor brain is so full.  I am really lucky that Adam is an awesome mannered little man and loves to help me in the. house because then even my chores are fun times.  I love my job so it makes me having to leave Adam much easier, having a wicked day home doesn't hurt either.  We've had extreme money stress this January and other hectic things that has me wondering what in world 2011 is going to hold.  If the year that we have so much hope and promise for started so negatively then how in the world is the rest of the year going to be great.  We just have to keep our heads up and move forward and hope for the best as this year is going to be one hell of a ride.  Adam had his second heart catheterization and it left a lot of questions instead of some hopeful answers.  His pulmonary pressures are a little bit better since the first one which was done when he was first diagnosed with no medicine.  Now he's on 2 medications with minimum change.  They tried out some other medications while in the Cath Lab to see how he would react and not much change came from that either.  The one thing he did respond to was oxygen.... which has them wondering what else is happening in that little body that we haven't figured out yet.  He's slowed down quite a bit which is disheartening for me to see and has peeked the interest of Adam's Dr's as we're trying to piece together the puzzle that is his body.  Adam's case will be presented at the Cardiologist Conference in Edmonton next month for all the local Dr's to discuss whether they would close Adam's ASD.  That will not be the deciding factor,  Adam is going International.  His case is being presented at the International Cardiologist Conference because with him not having much change in his pressures Dr Adatia wants to see what other Dr's in the world would do.  That's in March so we have even more of the waiting game.  In some ways it's nice to wait, it's nice to not have Adam with his chest opened up recovering for days, weeks, etc and having a huge scar.  In other ways we know that day is coming regardless, it has to be done before the rest of his heart gets sick and we have no idea what road we are truly on right now.  Adam looks healthy, runs around, plays, talks and yet is a very sick boy inside.  It's a hard way to live when I see other children in the same wards as us that look so frail, sick, and sad so it seems like we shouldn't even be there.  After this heart cath I came to a realization, Adam's case is going International which is  a huge deal.  He does deserve to be there, he is a sick little man his just hides behind a mask of himself.  I always said the day he slows down is the day I worry, well the weekend before he went in was the first time I worried.  I watched him slow down over 2 weeks and started to wonder what was happening in that little man of mine, in which from the Cath point of view he's doing alright.  All we can do now is wait, hope, and be thankful that Adam can do lots things, has a fantastic disposition and is a happy boy.

Tis been a while

So it's been a while since I posted anything and part of it has been from all the excitement of my niece and nephew being born 23 hours apart so I had to go see them in BC and the loss of my Grandfather amongst all the joy.  It's been a very interesting month to say the least and I have finally had my brain stop spinning long enough to finally write it out.  A big part of not writing for a while is recently finding out about Adam's Sleep Apnea.  I found out a couple weeks ago from the ENT Specialist from his sleep study done MONTHS ago that he stops breathing 6-7 times and hour and that his SATS get down to 73 which is extremely low.  Adam was hospitalized at 89 with pneumonia just to put that into perspective.  I should have found out within 2 weeks of this at home test but noooo and now he needs another one done asap but it's a huge wait list!!  It's really hard to think that my son could literally pass at any time or that we could have lost him a long time ago.... How has this stuff gone on for 2 years!!  I decided before going to BC to see what happens when he stops breathing because I have never noticed before and it was really eerie.   He literally just stops breathing, it's very quiet and then takes a big breath about a minute or so after!!  It's so quiet and so frightening that all I could do was sit on his little couch and cry because there is nothing that I can do for him.  This is most likely a big contributor as to what is going on so it really needs to be dealt with asap.  Thankfully after that I got to go to BC and smooze babies for an entire week!!  I am so proud of my big bro because he is being such a stellar dad and his daughter just melts in his arms.  With him being such a great Dad it give my sis in law enough rest to be an amazing Mom!! My Step Sis is so great that my nephew is all calm and collected which is really neat to see.  After getting back was Adam's echo..... It was not the news we were hoping for but not the worst either.  His medication has not worked enough to lower his pressures so we have had to add a secondary medicine so that we can get the pressures down low enough for him to have his surgery as right now it is not safe.  Since the pressures have come down a bit the blood is now mixing in the upper chambers a lot causing the top part to get strained so the goal is his open heart surgery within the year.  He has so much to go through over the next while that my head is spinning.  Medication 6 times a day, blood tests once a month, Level 1 Sleep Study, most likely adenoids and tonsils out, Heart Catheter in January and then the open heart surgery in which then we will be at almost square one when it comes to medicine.... I'm just happy that he has no idea how sick he really is because he sure runs around! This Halloween wasn't long enough for him, he sure did love it this year which made everything seem like it's going to be ok!

Motherhood

When I think back to when we were planning to have our son I have come to realize that what you think will happen and what actually happens when you become a Mom are 2 completely different things.  I believe this to be because we as Moms don't talk about it.  We don't talk about the bad, we don't complain because if we complain then we're not good Moms because it's supposed to be love and lollipops and rainbows to be a Mom.  I am here to say it's ok to complain, telling your friends what to expect is a good thing and it's time we all open up and really truly prepare those for what is going to come so that their transition is easier.  I know if someone had told me the truth then I would have felt less Mommy guilt.  Becoming a Mom is the most amazing thing and you really can't imagine the love that happens for the baby that grew in your belly and is now reliant on you.  With the amazing comes a complete change in your life and the sooner you go with it and stop fighting then the happier you will be.  Your body looks completely different and it'll take a long time for it to even resemble what it used to be.  Embrace this as having a child is amazing and if you're happy then you'll start looking at yourself the way you used to.  Forget lavish holidays, going out whenever you want, not smelling like puke all the time and now you actually have to save for those concert tickets and the babysitter to watch the little one.  All these things take planning now as just to get out of the house with a baby is a job in itself.  Lack of sleep will make you wonder what life was like without a pot of coffee in the morning and sometimes because of it you'll have what I call not a stellar Mommy day.  Basically you're a little off your game, you are understanding how people shake their children though u will never ever ever do so but u understand and u may have a moment to not be so proud of yourself.  Guess what, this is normal, it's ok.  As long as you don't hurt your child and you are giving the best that you could possibly give at that moment in time then you are a great mother!!  Recognizing bad days makes you a great mother, complaining to someone and thinking OMG what have I done, how could I have changed my life this drastically is completely normal as well especially after the first 2 weeks up to 3 months as that's when colic may kick in, your baby sleeps less and that god forsaken 6 week growth spurt has you wondering if you'll ever get your boobs back and when that 7/11 of your chest will close.  It's fine to feel this way, it's fine to question and it's fine to complain to a girlfriend of the hard things that you have to deal with every day.  Diapers, bottles, breast feeding, changing, dreaded baths, dang car seats, colic, stomach problems, colds, flues, huge diaper bags, changes of clothes for both of you, screaming in the car, embarrassing you in public, crying (this can be yourself as well) are all a part of a Mothers daily life.  You're always on what I call high alert so that even if the baby is sleeping and you're in the shower trying to feel human you are still stressing and listening hoping that they stay asleep and you can get 20 mins to yourself.  I remember with Adam he had a day where he cried for 6 hours and well I cried for the last 4 with him and kept going through the motions trying to find relief for him.  That's when I called my girlfriend with the big boobs and said I need your help, get in a cab asap and I will pay for it.  Thankfully a different friend with 2 older boys called me and heard his cry and helped me out while I waited.  She told me to put him down on his change table as it was the only place he wouldn't cry and sit for a couple minutes and that since his cry seems to be one of pain or discomfort because nothing else has worked that it's ok to give him a dose of Tylenol.  I wouldn't put up with a headache or gut ache without trying to get relief so why should I allow my new born to suffer.  Thankfully my friend showed up, took Adam on her giant soft chest and let his toes hang off, he fell asleep within a few minutes and all was well.  Asking for help as a Mom is not a weakness and does not make you less of a Mom, it takes a community to raise a child so don't feel bad if you need to ask to be rescued every now again.